I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
