I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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