I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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