at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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