Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
whose ass print is on the piano?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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