im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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