my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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