Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
