Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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