had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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