my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
