i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
