I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
