I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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