i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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