I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
