the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
