Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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