I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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