You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone came in the potted fern
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
