just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
