Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
His nipple licking is glorious
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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