Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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