I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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