she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
