You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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