Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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