My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
