So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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