just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
