And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
In America we eat man semen.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
