So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
