My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
