My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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