she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
