well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
