what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
