i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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