That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
