I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
