what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
