I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am available for nakedness
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I forget how to act sober
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
