Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
