If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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