Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize