tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
