I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
