I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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