Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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