i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
