When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Boobs speak an international language.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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