I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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