just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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