Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
