Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
