omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
a search helicopter?!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
