There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
