tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
