bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
